Jeff: What’s that one monkey where everyone’s just fucking everybody? It’s straight, it’s gay…

Dan: Oh, the bonobo chimp, our closest genetic relative, the bonobo chimpanzee. Like, for a long time, scientists just, they ignored the fact that the bonobo chimp, out of all the varieties of chimps, chimps are 99%, you know, identical to us genetically, the bonobo chimp is like 99 point something, it’s the closest you can get to human while staying a chimpanzee. It’s our closest relative, and they do nothing but fucking jerk off! They have incest, they have gang bangs, they have gang wars and then they settle the gang disputes by everybody fucking each other. Sisters and brothers and moms and uncles, and if you’ve got nothing to do you’re just jerking it, like, these are horrible by our standards!

This is why the human race needs to give itself a break. We didn’t invent anything that makes us unseemly, we didn’t invent assassination, lying, war, anything. The only thing that makes humans different from all of our primate cousins is compassion. That’s the one thing that we bring to the table that’s brand new. We bring the concept that we actually kind of like each other, and would even sometimes take a bullet for each other.

That’s our thing. That’s what humanity is. All the stuff that we think is like, original sin, and all this stuff, it was invented by like, squirrel-creatures that came before us! They started lying to each other with their faces!
The first thing that happened was, things that were climbing in trees, these mammals, they developed stereoscopic color vision, because it helped them #1, climb, jump from branch to branch… our eyes face forward, like 3D, so you can see in 3D, so unlike dogs and turtles and shit… you have depth perception. So you can jump from a branch to a branch.
Then the other thing that happened is, meanwhile, color vision. Why? Fruit! So you can tell if the fruit’s rotten, what the good stuff is.

With all of that, then the hair starts falling away from the face, because what’s happening at the same time is so socially, sexually, politically, these… primates, as they became, they start communicating with each other, with the new pieces of equipment, these state-of-the-art eyes than can see in vivid color and can just, like, maximum resolution! And so the hair comes away from our face and our musculature in our faces becomes incredibly overdeveloped so we can make all these weird faces.

Way before we could talk, way before we could do any of that, we were lying to each other by like, winking and like like squinting and smiling! And these little squirrel-like creatures, even before they were monkeys, were starting to do that shit… because you know, you can leverage your fellow primate by going, uh, “Hey, that guy likes you over there, not as much as she does, she says weird shit about you, but I don’t agree, hahaha!” Everyone’s fucking with each other, because it means the difference between life and death!

They invented that shit, not us! We inherited it! We don’t have to be bad people to each other. Humanity does not give itself a break.

1 month ago  /  55 notes  /  Source: communityblogs